Splatter Farm

Splatter Farm (1987)
Directed By: Mark Polonia, John Polonia, and Todd Smith
Camp Motion Pictures DVD
Rating: 1.5 out of 4 Pentagrams
Reviewed By: Jeff Deth

I’ve been brave enough to give Camp Motion Pictures another try, although I’m still recovering from the anguish of Woodchipper Massacre.

Expectations where low from the onset to avoid any emotional crash as the result of viewing. I simply placed the disc into the player and braced myself for the worst.
And that was certainly the smart thing to do but even still, I had braced for bad, not
insest rape, necrophilia and rape of the anal sort.

This was an incredibly uncomfortable film to watch. If you have a girlfriend, do not subject her to this vile offense. Unless she is extremely demented and tortured, in which case she may enjoy it.

The directing and staring twin brothers (Mark Polonia, John Polonia) play Allen and Joseph, two unbearably annoying twits paying a visit to their perverted sicko Aunt Lacey. Lacey, who is old enough to be their grandmother lives with the cannibalistic corpse fucker, Jeremy. Jeremy is responsible for tending to the farm and it’s animal inhabitants. Aside from that, he hovers around in the barn chopping up bodies and having sex with them.

The brothers, although extremely dim, begin to sense that auntie and her helping hand have got some weird stuff going on. It was only a matter of time before Jeremy is seen
defiling body parts and auntie can’t control her 60 year-old sexual appetite for young boys. Young boys she happens to be related to. Things spiral out of control and Jeremy gets to killing.

The acting is horrendous and stiff throughout. Although Jeremy is actually believable as a twisted backwoods freak as he doesn’t actually have to deliver many lines. The production is pure VHS quality. I will give it up to them in regards to special effects. Sure, they had no money but that didn’t hold them back. There was a definite effort put forth to create some actual “splatter” as promised. Everything looks fake and cheap but they tried and they manage to pull off some pretty disgusting stuff.

If this film intends to make the viewer feel sick and awkward, I believe it was a success. I can’t say it succeeded on many other fronts though. I was certainly taken off guard with all the sex-crime on display. There’s some shocking scenes without a doubt. Splatter Farm was a lot better than I prepared myself for but still not good enough to ever watch again as long as I live.

Woodchipper Massacre

Woodchipper Massacre (1988)
Directed by: Jon Mcbride
Rating: -4 Pentagrams out of 4
Reviewed by: Jeff Deth

Holy Mother of God. This can't be for real. This is a home video. I don't even know if I can attempt to review this as if it were a movie. Sure there are things about this that lead you to believe it's a movie. But really, this is someone's home video. The fact that someone pressed this onto a DVD, the fact that Netflix actually distributes this as a film near a criminal act. I will not even attempt to explain the storyline of this film. The name of this movie is the only reason it stands any chance of being viewed by anyone.

So listen very closely... DON'T EVER EVEN THINK OF RENTING THIS PIECE OF TRASH NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE!! If you are that desperate, I suggest you break out your old Super-8 camcorder and just start filming your relatives and neighbors. You'll have more fun trying to make your own pathetic "slasher" movie. This was clearly some film student’s senior project. How it got the label of being a “cult-classic” is beyond me.

There was a $5 dollar budget to make this thing and not $1 was spent on special effects. I prayed from the opening sequence that at the very least these people had gotten their shit together enough to at least show me someone going through this fucking woodchipper. I was promised a MASSACRE! At least some me some shit flying out of the chipper. After 15 seconds I reconciled myself to the fact that that was this films dying hope.

You get nothing. Massacre? Try two weak kills. No blood, no gore. No massacre. I found it hard to even laugh at this attempt to be some form of entertainment. The unbelievable hairstyles, the painfully horrendous overacting, the ridiculous story. The awful lighting, sound and camera work. Every aspect of this "movie" is an experience in atrocity.

Let me be honest. I should receive a medal of honor for sitting through the torture that is Woodchipper Massacre. But I also deserve to have that medal stripped for ripping this nightmare from the player with only 5 minutes left. I had to make a decision after they let me down by not showing any gore during the second chipping. That 5 minutes more of sleep was more valuable to me than seeing this seething pile of rubbish come to a conclusion.

Maybe this was all a joke. “Ha, ha, look how bad of a film I’ve made! Isn’t it great? " Even it that’s the case, I’m still not a satisfied customer. You called it Woodchipper Massacre and you splashed blood all over the box art. I don’t appreciate this kind of false advertising. Jon Mcbride, you sir are a bastard!

BRAIN DAMAGE

Brain Damage (1988)

Directed by: Frank Henenlotter

Rating: 4 out of 4 Pentagrams

Reviewed by: Jeff Deth

 

Frank Henenlotter holds a special place in the b-movie splatter genre. He has a short list of credits to his name but that list happens to contain the cult-classic Basket Case trilogy and Frankenhooker.

Henenlotter is a filmmaker whose work is distinctly tied to the environment in which he lives. New York City is the perfect atmosphere for the utterly insane and dark themes he conjures up.

He holds an absolutely original vision amongst his peers. Others have been just as crass and violent, but none has been as intelligent in creating character motivations.

His second film, Brain Damage is the story of a brain-eating parasitic slug that latches onto a human host body that provides access to its human prey.

The underlying theme deals explicitly with drug abuse and the effects thereof upon the human mind. The slug creature feeds his host hallucinogenic drugs, enslaving him to a merry-go-round of highs and tortuous withdrawals. The slug fully communicates with his host. In fact it is very sophisticated manipulator who dangles his serum like a carrot in order to feed again and again.

The film opens with an old couple who lose possession of their creature and go into a mad panic. The slug moves onto a new host, an average twenty-something named Brian (Rick Hearst) who lives in the same apartment building with his brother. The parasite, named Aylmer by the previous host, is a bizarre and awesome slug like creature. My favorite parts are when he opens his mouth to inject the liquid serum onto Brian’s brain tissue.

No one won any acting awards for this film but there are some many textural elements at work that it doesn’t matter. I laughed a dozen times at the hilarity of Brians trips and rants about colors and lights.

Hearst actually does pretty well at channeling the burned out tripper who’s lost touch with reality. The creature f/x on this shoestring budget where also impressive considering. The kills are all very enjoyable, Alymer burrowing straight into the heads of his victims, sucking down the brains inside.

The film does a great job of weaving through the trashy alleys and nightclubs of New York City. There's a gritty, street feel that really helps create the Henenlotter mood. Everything is over the top and surreal but there's a human interest and desperation built into it. The dialogue can get very campy without the film losing interest. Things never go too far where it becomes a tasteless joke. And even if it’s cheesy at times, there's enough dynamics to keep the story moving in an entertaining way. 

A great B-movie should have a totally outrageous story with a social commentary just beneath the surface. Brain Damage delivers on all fronts. But lets not forget that most importantly there’s tons of gore, and tons of fun.

This is a total cult-classic that is worth repeated viewings as it is just as poignant and entertaining as it must have been 20 years ago.

This makes me want to go track down his recent come back film, Bad Biology and Frankenhooker too for that matter.