Andre The Butcher

Andre The Butcher (2005)

Directed by: Philip Cruz

Rating: 1 out of 4 Body Bags

Reviewed by: Jeff Deth

Any film staring Ron Jeremy as a machete-wielding psycho can’t possibly be taking itself seriously. At least we hope it doesn’t. I honestly don’t know if I hated this movie of kind of liked it. The filmmakers had me with the title and the box art, there’s no question.

Which makes the point – I keep getting suckered into bad movies because great packaging. I imagined a great sleeper of a movie with that giant butcher standing there covered in blood holding a meat cleaver.  I know better, but damn it, I want to believe. For every ten pieces of shit, I discover a diamond in the rut. Not here. They promised me “pure terror”, what I got was pure bullshit.

This is an annoying hack job that I kept telling myself would get better if I only gave it a little longer. When the credits finally appeared my hopes where firmly put to rest. Let’s be clear, this is a brainless horny cheerleaders getting bleeped and killed movie. A group of said cheerleaders and some male cheerleader douchebag get stranded in the boonies. They end up taken hostage by two freshly escaped ex-convicts. To make matters worse this all takes place in the vicinity of a cannibalistic madman. So the killing begins.

It’s hard to tell whether they’re trying to make fun of this derivative nonsense or if they’re really not smart enough to do something better. And while it may be poking fun of this overdone scenario, the fun gets worn out of it pretty quick.

Listen, there’s some all right kills and F/X work here, but that’s basically all you get that’s worth a damn. And I’m not against mindless teen slashers. When it’s meant to be nothing but a good time with blood on top I can accept that. It just doesn’t all add up here.  Most of the characters are just too fucking ridiculous to stomach. And it’s not even Jeremy who is the trouble. In fact, with his zero lines spoken, he’s the best actor of the bunch.

The back-story on Andre is a convoluted mess. I don’t know what the hell they want him to be. It would be fine if he was just some sicko maniac, but they turn him into some bizarre supernatural demon, whatever. I mean he walks around with a bleeping welders mask on. Can you just hack these teenie-bopper bleeps into pieces for me??

The whole middle section of this movie is a boring mess of a story that limps toward the only thing worth wild, the end. I mean, like I said there’s a couple cool things like the Butcher’s ability to reattach his own blown-off arm. Beyond that this movie tries too hard to make fun of itself to the point where it’s no longer enjoyable.

There are plenty of people out there who seem to have gotten more from it than me. I may have missed something meaningful the director was doing that was brilliant. But then again, Ron Jeremy is in this movie. What more brilliance do you need?