Woodchipper Massacre

Woodchipper Massacre (1988)
Directed by: Jon Mcbride
Rating: -4 Pentagrams out of 4
Reviewed by: Jeff Deth

Holy Mother of God. This can't be for real. This is a home video. I don't even know if I can attempt to review this as if it were a movie. Sure there are things about this that lead you to believe it's a movie. But really, this is someone's home video. The fact that someone pressed this onto a DVD, the fact that Netflix actually distributes this as a film near a criminal act. I will not even attempt to explain the storyline of this film. The name of this movie is the only reason it stands any chance of being viewed by anyone.

So listen very closely... DON'T EVER EVEN THINK OF RENTING THIS PIECE OF TRASH NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE!! If you are that desperate, I suggest you break out your old Super-8 camcorder and just start filming your relatives and neighbors. You'll have more fun trying to make your own pathetic "slasher" movie. This was clearly some film student’s senior project. How it got the label of being a “cult-classic” is beyond me.

There was a $5 dollar budget to make this thing and not $1 was spent on special effects. I prayed from the opening sequence that at the very least these people had gotten their shit together enough to at least show me someone going through this fucking woodchipper. I was promised a MASSACRE! At least some me some shit flying out of the chipper. After 15 seconds I reconciled myself to the fact that that was this films dying hope.

You get nothing. Massacre? Try two weak kills. No blood, no gore. No massacre. I found it hard to even laugh at this attempt to be some form of entertainment. The unbelievable hairstyles, the painfully horrendous overacting, the ridiculous story. The awful lighting, sound and camera work. Every aspect of this "movie" is an experience in atrocity.

Let me be honest. I should receive a medal of honor for sitting through the torture that is Woodchipper Massacre. But I also deserve to have that medal stripped for ripping this nightmare from the player with only 5 minutes left. I had to make a decision after they let me down by not showing any gore during the second chipping. That 5 minutes more of sleep was more valuable to me than seeing this seething pile of rubbish come to a conclusion.

Maybe this was all a joke. “Ha, ha, look how bad of a film I’ve made! Isn’t it great? " Even it that’s the case, I’m still not a satisfied customer. You called it Woodchipper Massacre and you splashed blood all over the box art. I don’t appreciate this kind of false advertising. Jon Mcbride, you sir are a bastard!